Depression: The Downside

Today I feel useless. I can’t do anything right. I’m too dizzy to try. Mini spins are too frequent for me to feel comfortable out by myself. I am afraid. 

Afraid that I am not needed. Afraid that everyone would be better off without me. Afraid to live. I am afraid. 

I am so overwhelmingly sad. How do I go on when I think everyone would be better off without me? Ralph’s friends don’t want to hang out with him, because of me. 

I feel utterly alone. I wish my emotions would stop so I couldn’t feel this pain. Numbness would be preferable to the pain of feeling as if I don’t belong in this world.

I know this is the depression talking, because I am happy when it’s not present, but today I am sad. I hurt and it’s no ones fault. It’s only a matter of time before it ends. Unfortunately, others have been at the end of my explosive emotions. Usually I can laugh things off, but depression takes that ability away. 

I wish I was different. I wish I wasn’t living with this pain. I wish that I didn’t cause others pain. I wish I could be who you want me to be. I wish I could be who I want to be.

I am just so very sorry for everything. Today I am sad.