Monday, November 5, 2018

Trying to Find my Zen

I have been feeling stressed lately. It’s difficult to feel  Calm when my heartbeat is fast. Even when I am still in bed it 96 BPM. When I start moving it will be well over 100. So my sign to stop the anxiety, which is increased heart rate appears to be broken. 

Before you ask, yes I am going to a cardiologist in January. First I have a series of test. I had an echocardiogram, next week is a stress test and in December I get to wear a halter monitor. I wasn’t concerned about my pulse, because I thought it was my Mitralvalve Prolapse. It wasn’t until an actual MVP attack that sent me into vertigo that I became concerned. Hence all the testing.

In the middle of this I found myself in some drama. Maybe I created more in my mind than there needs to be. It sucks when I find myself replaying things over and over. Anything I perceived I did wrong or that others did, replay because of anxiety. This is what we called racing thoughts when I was a social worker. 

So I am beginning to meditate again. Thanks Father Bill at Holy Spirit for reminding me. I am doing things I enjoy like walking in beautiful gardens like at JW Marriott, when I am able. Multiple vacations help me relax. And I repeat my mantra over and over. 

My mantra or prayer (The Serenity Prayer):

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference

Hopefully this will lead to a less stressed more thoughtful me. I need to live in the now and forget about the past and stop worrying about the future. I’ve already had one of the worst things any wife can endure... I made the decision to not resuscitate my husband after his third heart attack in less than 24 hours. And I made it through. 

It dawns on me as I am writing this that from September 22 (My late husband’s birthday and our wedding through Christmas, he died on December 20, 2012) are still very tough times for me, so my emotions are all over the place. 

I really need to be mindful that not only do I have this, but that due to fall/winter I get less sunshine and seasonal affect disorder will kick in. 

So, I am off to find my Zen, through meditation, movement and writing. 

I hope you are spin free.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

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