Monday, September 10, 2018

Uncertainty 

How Long Will This Keep Going On?

Though I changed the words, Van Morrison’s song is playing in my mind. Every time a mini-spin hits, I ask that question. I almost wish for a full blown episode that will last for a few hours, leave me as wobbly as a newborn foal for a couple of days. 

The face of MD between episodes of mini-spins. 

I woke up this morning to a mini-spin. And though I fought it becoming a full blown vertigo episode, I can’t help but wonder if it would be quicker to have one. This is day two of mini-spins. Day 2 of a full blown vertigo attack would just leave me exhausted. Instead I am paralyzed with fear that if I do anything that doesn’t involve my bed or recliner, I’ll fall. 

It’s not as if falling is that frightening, I mean I do it all the time. Sometimes through my own clumsiness, but sometimes totally out of the blue. I can be walking and down I go. Nothing tripping me, not my carelessness, nothing causing it. I used to think it was my ankle not doing it’s job. Now I think it’s a drop attack. Maybe not Ménière’s related, since I’ve had them since junior high. 

I haven’t fallen during these mini-spins, but I am becoming intimate with my walls and door jambs. While mini-spins are easier to navigate, they are more unsettling than the full on vertigo attack. At least with the latter you know you can’t do anything. 

Between mini-spins you think maybe I can just do this or that, but then the next wave hits when you least expect it. Oh and it drains you as if you were in the big one. I slept quite a bit during my attack yesterday. My muscles are aching. I still feel exhausted. 

I know this will pass, but after a bit of time with only being unbalanced, I was hoping it would continue. I was in remission for 6 years... I guess I expect the good days to continue. I will try to smile my way through this. Maybe it will convince my brain there is nothing wrong, but how do you convince your inner ear when it has constant tinnitus and it’s been screaming since yesterday. 

I can be thankful that while I have nausea, I rarely vomit. Unfortunately, I rarely lose my appetite either. Others have it much worse than me. 

I don’t know what stage I’m in... if the stages are truly what happens. As far as I can tell from our large group of MD warriors, nothing is certain with this disease. (Ménière’s Worldwide) We battle this disease filled with uncertainty everyday. Trying to live our lives, choosing what battles to fight and when we should go to war with our disease. Sometimes we loose, but we pick ourselves back up and try again. 

There is so much positivity that flows from the people in Ménière’s Worldwide that it encourages me to keep on going. Those around us may not get it, but the nearly 900 in the group gets it and it’s so heartening to know they do. Though I wish none of them had this disease or similar diseases. 

I am rambling so I’ll leave you now. Be spin free!

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

PS. With Balance Awareness week coming up, I may be posting more about it. September 16-20.

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